random thoughts and hopeless rants

is possibly the most inspiring singer i’ve ever heard. she has a way to get me to sing and cry in one song.  i love her music and how each song has a story behind it.  her lyrics are so real and full (if that makes any sense at all). 

right now i’m listening to “someone like you” which is off of her new album. it’s so beautiful and i’m literally crying in my bed. here are the lyrics:

I heard that you’re settled down,
That you found a girl and you’re married now,
I heard that your dreams came true,
Guess she gave you things I didn’t give to you,
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain’t like you to hold back or hide from the light,

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it,
I had hoped you’d see my face,
And that you’d be reminded that for me it isn’t over,

Never mind, I’ll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don’t forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
“Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,”
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah,

You know how the time flies,
Only yesterday was the time of our lives,
We were born and raised in a summer haze,
Bound by the surprise of our glory days,

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it,
I had hoped you’d see my face,
And that you’d be reminded that for me it isn’t over,
 
Never mind, I’ll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don’t forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
“Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,”

Nothing compares,
No worries or cares,
Regrets and mistakes, they’re memories made,
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind, I’ll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you,
Don’t forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
“Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,”

Nevermind, I’ll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don’t forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
“Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,”
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead.

i want to learn how to play the piano more than anything in the world.  i will learn. This summer. i want to be able to write songs like this that mean something to me.

This isn’t even related but i miss my family and my friends so much right now.  i haven’t been this homesick at all since i’ve been here at school… i just want to be in my house with my parents and megan and jake. i miss them so much. talking to marie today made all of this hit home.  the things we used to giggle about like 12 year olds are now being discusses over a chat box. i’m not sure why but that just made me so sad. 

2 weeks until i’m home.

so as I was going through marie’s tumblr (as I periodically do), I decided to log back onto mine to talk a walk down memory lane. quick question:

why didn’t any of you tell me how crazy i was?! seriously. i was re-blogging quotes and writing posts that would make a stranger think i was a widow or make my mother think that i needed a shrink.

i’m going to start writing on here more often.  about school, my friends, anything that comes to mind really.  i had forgotten how good it feels to be able to just write down whatever you’re thinking about.  i also feel bad always asking sophie (my roommate) and holly (one of my friends) what they think about every situation when i’m trying to figure things out.  i will write less about boys because i’ve already decided to take the stance of “whatever happens, happens”.  we’ll see if it works to my advantage or not.  oh well!

i’m officially not going to go back to the “archives” on my tumblr for at least the rest of the year (i won’t say forever because memory lane is a nice place to go every now and then).  i left that version of me behind a while ago.  i really like the person i’m becoming and want to keep it up.  i love the friends i’ve made and i love that i’ve kept in touch with some people from back home (although i do wish i kept in touch with more of them).  hopefully seeing everyone NEXT WEEK will inspire me to try harder. 

i’m pretty in love with the world i’ve made for myself.

“You have to learn to walk. You have to learn to talk. You have to wear that totally ridiculous hat your grandma bought you. You have no say in the matter. And when you get a little older, even though you get to choose your hats, you don’t get to choose what they put in those meatballs in the cafeteria, or when to fall in love. Sometimes things happens and you just have to deal.”

i just watched many moores’s How to Deal and loved it.  mandy plays the character of Halley who doesn’t believe in love or see the point of letting yourself fall in love.  every relationship around her has ended horribly so she’s sworn to never allow herself to be placed in the situation where she will (inevitably) fall out of love.  of course, she then meets macon who will provide the emotional roller coaster necessary for all 90’s movies about love.  i didn’t go into this movie thinking i’d get anything out of it other than a few laughs and a way to pass the time while i couldn’t sleep but… 

is it weird to say that i am halley?  i mean, i don’t have the excuse of growing up in a divorced family and seeing my best friend’s boyfriend die (luckily everyone around me seems to be quite in love). the decisions she makes, the way she protects herself from things that might happen, the fact that she tries not to give second chances but can’t help it.  i just watched a movie that should be called “Amberly, listen up or you’re going to live a miserable loveless life!”  i need to let my guard down when something feels right.

“Your afraid to go out with me because you might actually like me?”

let’s pretend that i’ve never had someone say that to me before… i can’t be worried about the fact that maybe, some time in the future (near or far) i will get hurt because it’s going to happen and when it does, i’ll be okay - it won’t kill me.  i’ve missed great opportunities because i was scared to toss someone a rope even though they were ready to climb over this wall i’ve built up around myself. 

“Oh Macon, I think I like you too much already to actually go out with you.”   “What kind of logic is that?”    “It’s logical logic. Haven’t you ever noticed that when two members of the opposite sex get together eventually someone ends up getting hurt?” 

i’ve lost count of how many times i have used this excuse in the past.  it always made perfect sense to me, but if i keep using this line of thought i don’t think i’ll ever be able to fall in love. i feel like this movie made it finally hit home.  thanks mandy moore… because this movie was filled with such great lines, i’ll end this with one of my favorites. enjoy.

“First loves are never really over. Nobody’s perfect, Sweetheart. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth your while.”

I don’t like it when people flip-flop, so I try to avoid doing it.  I’m usually able to make a decision and stick with it but I can’t seem to do that with one specific situation.  I know which decision I should choose, but different things keep making me reconsider, remember the pro’s instead of focusing on the con’s (even though I’m starting to realize there are more cons).  I don’t like notfeeling in control of this - it’s frustrating.  I try to make it clear that I’m leaning towards one direction, but I’m misunderstood every time.  People I talk to about it for advice are just as confused by the whole thing. Interesting…  I’m annoyed.